I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Randomize
