Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
