I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
