I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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