I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
