Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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