the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
