Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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