I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
