I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
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