He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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