so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
