Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
