Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
