so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
