I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
