Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
