how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
