She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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