Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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