It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i've created a new STD.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My feet surprised me
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