She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What drink are we having for lunch?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
