So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
