I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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