I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
