There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
