My first STD was from a foam party
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
as a side note pls kill me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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