I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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