On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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