New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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