The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
