if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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