I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
