if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
