the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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