life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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