haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
