I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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