then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
