Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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