Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
