maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
