1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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