I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
