I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
