Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
