sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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