things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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