You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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