Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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