She is in my trunk
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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