Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
