You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
