It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
