I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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