just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
