woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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