Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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