3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
