better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
